Hurting

My Dear Friends,
Tonight I hurt so badly. My heart is breaking. With Payten becoming quite attached to me and trying to be strong for my best friend, I haven't had time to sit down and let this all sink in. It's hitting me hard today, like I've been in a dream for the last few months and I'm just now realizing what has happend. Laynie is going home tomorrow and with her, a hospice nurse will join our world. See, that makes me angry. I admit it. I'm not angry at God, just angry at the situation. Even though I know there is a reason, I still hate this! I hate that my 23 year old, best friend is going to lose her child! How can this be?! What is fair about this? It's like when Melinda died, my heart ached for her family. Now, it's my family. It's us, hurting and questioning why. It's us, losing a part of us. I know that God has a plan, and it IS 'Well with my soul'. But it's still so hard to bear the heartache. I know in time God will show us what we need to know, and then we'll understand. But for tonight, I cry.
Last night we came severly close to losing Laynie. Her kidneys are failing. Her count was at 100 last night, and 120 puts her into a coma. After being skin to skin with her momma, she is back down to 80 today. Whether we lose her 10 days from now or 10 weeks, it will be too soon. Too soon to give our last kisses. Too soon to sing our last songs, and too soon to say goodbye. The other day at the hospital, after we realized we were going to lose her, we were talking about how to react to this. Laynie's great uncle said, "You can choose to be mad at God and turn away from him, or..." I finished his sentence.."You can just let Him hold you." So, I'm going to do that. There have been many times that I've need to just be still and let God hold me. Now, is one of those times. The words to 'the song of my life' come to my mind.
"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear. And I don't know the reason why you've brought me here. But just because you love me the way that you do, I'm gonna walk through the valley, if you want me to. 'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step. And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet. SO IF ALL OF THESE TRIALS BRING ME CLOSER TO YOU, THEN I WILL GO THROUGH THE FIRE, IF YOU WANT ME TOO." "It may not be the way I would have chosen when you lead me through a world that's not my home. But, you never said it would be easy. You only said, I'll never go alone." "So, when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself, and I can't hear you answer my cries for help, I'll remember the suffering your love put you through and I will go through the valley if you want me to."
This is my story, this is my song.
Friends, please pray for my family. Pray for my best friend. Pray hard and pray for our peace. Thank you to those of you that have written me and told me that you're praying for me and here for me. I didn't even realize I needed you. Now, I do. You all know who you are. Thank you so much for your prayers so far. "God will make a way when there seems to be no way. He works in ways I cannot see. He will make a way for me..."
God Bless,
Jessi