Hurting

My Dear Friends,
Tonight I hurt so badly. My heart is breaking. With Payten becoming quite attached to me and trying to be strong for my best friend, I haven't had time to sit down and let this all sink in. It's hitting me hard today, like I've been in a dream for the last few months and I'm just now realizing what has happend. Laynie is going home tomorrow and with her, a hospice nurse will join our world. See, that makes me angry. I admit it. I'm not angry at God, just angry at the situation. Even though I know there is a reason, I still hate this! I hate that my 23 year old, best friend is going to lose her child! How can this be?! What is fair about this? It's like when Melinda died, my heart ached for her family. Now, it's my family. It's us, hurting and questioning why. It's us, losing a part of us. I know that God has a plan, and it IS 'Well with my soul'. But it's still so hard to bear the heartache. I know in time God will show us what we need to know, and then we'll understand. But for tonight, I cry.
Last night we came severly close to losing Laynie. Her kidneys are failing. Her count was at 100 last night, and 120 puts her into a coma. After being skin to skin with her momma, she is back down to 80 today. Whether we lose her 10 days from now or 10 weeks, it will be too soon. Too soon to give our last kisses. Too soon to sing our last songs, and too soon to say goodbye. The other day at the hospital, after we realized we were going to lose her, we were talking about how to react to this. Laynie's great uncle said, "You can choose to be mad at God and turn away from him, or..." I finished his sentence.."You can just let Him hold you." So, I'm going to do that. There have been many times that I've need to just be still and let God hold me. Now, is one of those times. The words to 'the song of my life' come to my mind.
"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear. And I don't know the reason why you've brought me here. But just because you love me the way that you do, I'm gonna walk through the valley, if you want me to. 'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step. And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet. SO IF ALL OF THESE TRIALS BRING ME CLOSER TO YOU, THEN I WILL GO THROUGH THE FIRE, IF YOU WANT ME TOO." "It may not be the way I would have chosen when you lead me through a world that's not my home. But, you never said it would be easy. You only said, I'll never go alone." "So, when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself, and I can't hear you answer my cries for help, I'll remember the suffering your love put you through and I will go through the valley if you want me to."
This is my story, this is my song.
Friends, please pray for my family. Pray for my best friend. Pray hard and pray for our peace. Thank you to those of you that have written me and told me that you're praying for me and here for me. I didn't even realize I needed you. Now, I do. You all know who you are. Thank you so much for your prayers so far. "God will make a way when there seems to be no way. He works in ways I cannot see. He will make a way for me..."
God Bless,
Jessi

Laynie Hope Payne

Hello all! This is the update on our precious Laynie that I've been asking you to pray for! Please pray even harder! The test results will come back tomorrow, so we'll know more then!
Jessi



Loved ones-

Good evening from the Children's hospital room 5148. Well, I'm here to tell you C-sections aren't the fun neat easy things people think. HELLO. Lots of blood and pushing and pulling.. eeeuuuhhhh. But you know what the best part of it is? At the end of that tugging and pulling comes out a sweet little baby. Our angel arrived at 8:11 am this morning with an outraged mewing (best way I can describe it) and weighing in at a 4 lb 2 oz, 18 inches long. I would love to say she is perfect, and in God's sight , she is, but our sweet trooper Smidge is going to face some challenges. We don't know any true readings yet, so I'm not going to elaborate, but here's what we do know... Her head is small (not new news) she is as bald as a cue ball, looks like she has survived chemo and her feet are backward. We have heard murmurings of "club feet" but have not yet had a diagnosis of such. They are truly backward, her daddy told her we'd have to buy her some "backward" hunting shoes :), but other people (her nurses) have told us due to the low fluid that she didn't have the movement to teach those muscles, so for now, I'm going with that.

She started out with an equivalent of a C-Pap (sleep apnea machine) , but she was only on it til early afternoon and has been on her own breathing since then. She is such a good trooper, she is Lolly's angel. They have done an EKG, an ultrasound of her brain and kidneys, and another ultrasound of her feeding tube they inserted into her umbilical cord. She sucks her fingers, has great reflex to my touch and moves her head to my voice. I love this little lady, she is my angel.

Keep praying my friends, "She is wonderfully and fearfully made". Thanks for your continued prayers.. Lolly